Sanity
by mon.cheri.mer
Summary: When only a little sanity is left and you are only one step before loosing it.. Nah, for God's sake, there is always Matt, no drama bound to happen. Well, that was unfortunately only an assumption. Warning: mature content.


Mello's pov.

I'm no longer fourteen year old boy, who made fuss for a little reason. I am no longer brilliant, yet thoughtless boy, who was as carefree, as only a child can be. Of course I am still obsessed with fucking albino, however.. It's just not the same. Back then I cared for tests and their results. Marks, solving little cases. Our competition was the thing, which poisoned my thoughts. However it is now in past.  
>Now, as an adult I have more important cases.<br>Now, Kira is my top priority.  
>Ah, don't be fooled. I am not doing this 'cause he is a murderer. Hell no. My own ass is more important than some criminal's asses. Justice? Ah, fuck justice! Does anybody think it's the thing I care for? Don't make me laugh. With this two hands I am bound to destroy more human beings than him. Not yet, of course. But in <em>near <em>future..  
>Near. It's all this retard's fault. If only he didn't exist.. My life would be less complicated. My mind would not have to be messed up. <em>I<em> would note have to be this messed up..  
>Yet he exists. And I know he will eventually become the cause of my death. I can fell that. Therefore, I cannot step back. I really can't. <em>Don't want to.<em> Because he is not allowed to rule my life the way he finds it entertaining. I am the ruler of myself.  
>Near, if you are ever to become aware of my thoughts; fuck you. You are the thing I despise. You took my sanity away.<br>My sanity. My mind. My body. My free will. Everything, for fuck's sake! Always being better than me, always placing as number one. I cannot allow that. Jerk, I swear, one day you will crawl, licking by boots and I will laugh mercilessly, letting your life slip away.  
>"Mels." I gasped. My shattered self felt calmness. Once in a while everything would go silent. Every emotion tearing me apart would freeze, leaving me in peace.<br>Hell, this once in a while was only when this fucking shithead called me or rested by my side. I hated him for that; for being the sanity, that I was slowly but permamentely loosing.  
>"What the fuck do you want this time? Can't you see I'm trying to work here?" I growled, when he didn't say a word and only rested in an armchair. With damned nintendo in his hand, cigarette between his pale lips. I snapped, looking back at the computer's screen. I wanted to punch him. Really, really hard. But I had to stop myself. My fury could destroy everything, since I needed him for tomorrow.<br>"Is he really worth your life?" He finally asked, leaning back looking at me with those eyes of him. For once not covered with orange googles. Annoyed, I threw away screen, which fell on the ground with loud crack. Well, information I looked for wasn't this important. And as far as device is concerned I didn't care. After all, whatever will happen tomorrow, we won't be coming back here. Ever.  
>"What do you mean?" He shrugged, giving me a blank stare. Great. Like he couldn't keep me calm just a little longer.<br>"Is your competition with Near this important to risk your own life?" God, Matt. Why asking this now? I looked around only to conclude that anywhere near was chocolate. Fucking great. Now, I didn't even have anything to distract myself with.  
>"Mello." I didn't reply. Just let me stop thinking about this whole mess for a day and I will keep my composure. I know I am not the one with greatest ability of keeping it; I never managed to cool my head enough to restrain my emotions. However, I'll do my best. In exchange for one day.<br>"Mihael."  
>"Fuck, Jeevas!" Temper flares. Always. Therefore, you shouldn't believe me, when I say I won't rage.<br>He smiled at me nonchalantly, knowing this will only make things worse. Damn him! I will kill him right know, right here. No matter what will happen tomorrow.  
>"Can't you understand it's not about him?" I snapped again, kicking a coffee table, breaking it. Only comment from his side to that was stubbing out his cigarette by twisting it on a table top.<br>"It's about me, only me! Fuck Kira, fuck justice, fuck even L! L was the same egoist as Kira is, doing things the way he liked it! Why hadn't he choose one? Why did he leave me in stock if he wanted Near to succeed him? Why was he such a damn egoist? Why leave me with this desire to beat that slutty bitch and make myself first, final winner? Matt, why don't you just understand?"  
>He went silent for a moment. Maybe two. I don't know, I was too furious to notice how long the silence lasted, until he finally sighted and replied quietly.<br>"I do. I do and that is why I stay by your side. If it was only about catching criminal I would fuck this long time ago. But since it's about you I can do nothing, but stay."  
>I thing I might have even burst. I jumped to him, locked fingers with his cherry-colored hair. I was just too pissed, I needed my oasis to calm me. To bring my my sanity back. Even if it meant destroying something between us. I didn't care because my desire was too great.<br>I crashed our lips together, pulling his hair, so he would have no space to turn and left me embarrassed and pitiful. I could feel his anger, when he clenched teeth and tried to push me away. Well, it surely wasn't the best way to kiss him. But this time, there was _no_ other way.  
>"Mello!" He shouted, managing to push me off. I grinned. There was nothing to loose anymore. I clenched hands on his hair, once again pulling him closer in rather violent way. I cursed myself for not having handcuffs. It would really make this act easier.<br>I felt his fists hurting my back and I was sure I had only seconds before being pushed away totally. Ah well, maybe he wasn't as strong as me, but I can sincerely say we were almost equal.  
>...Yeah, nothing to loose.<br>I've bitten his lower lip, then licked it tickling. My hot breath travelled to his closed, unwelcoming mouth. Damn you, Jeevas, just give into me! Angrily, I took my hand out from his locks and brought to the side of his face, gently brushed his cheek. Pissed off by not getting reaction I wanted, I pushed my gloved fingers to the corner of his lips, violently parting his jaws. If Mello wanted something Mello had to get it. No matter the cost.  
>I could feel his teeth biting my fingers. God bless leather, cause I didn't feel to much pain thanks to that shit. I run my tongue, tasting his upper lip. Tobacco, coffee. Matt. Matt. He hissed, when I entered his mouth. His hot, moist mouth. Oh, fuck, how I wanted to enter that with another part of my body..<br>Now I was shattered. Because of my oasis, which was bound to guard my sanity. Fucking sanity was just a moment ago trashed. Marvellous.  
>"Jeevas..." I whispered, pushing fingers deeper, trying to get better access to his mouth, when he hastily pulled my blond locks to get away from me. No way, I won't allow that. I straddled him, crushing his hips between my knees. I wanted to tell him he was mine; he had no choice, but to give into me. He had to make me feel him, dammit!<br>I started to nibble and suck his lip using my _really skilled_ tongue, totally lost in this. He tasted and felt incredibly good. Fuck, now I regretted not doing it earlier. It's such a great pleasure and I waited with this until now. Sad thing, Matt didn't feel the same way.  
>Or maybe..? Nah, he couldn't..<br>He twisted his body, throwing me under him. Yup, I told ya. There was no way he would actually enjoy tha..  
>Fuck.<br>I moaned, as his hot lips trailed from my mouth, across my throat to collarbone, kissing, nibbling, licking. Oh, god. It was heaven, paradise. I let my hand slide under his stripped shirt, stroking his bare skin. It felt so good, so right.  
>"Matt.. oh God." Eventually I found my voice huskier than normally. Maybe it was this fucking lust's fault. Yeah, talking about lust. I could feel my leather pants getting way to tight. And there was no way I got too fat in mere seconds. That meant one thing; I needed Matt more than I noticed.<br>My fingers travelled higher, touching his belly, drawing lines his muscles produced. He was so perfect. So fucking percent- totally unlike me. I stroked lightly his nipples, never imagining what a great reaction I could get by doing this. He suddenly gasped, simultaneously biting my skin. I smirked. This was great, really. Ecstatically, I tore his shirt. He got plenty of then so there was no big deal with it.  
>"You little fucker". He hissed, choking on my tongue almost reaching his throat. I smiled, grabbing his arms, twisting my body like he did minutes ago. Now, I was on top, looking at him mercilessly. I licked his jaw, slowly lowering myself. For seconds worked on his neck, leaving red mark. He was my possession, everybody should be aware of that.<br>"I'm glad you are aware of your position in this." I said, while lowering myself down, to get access to his nipples. I licked them hungrily, trying not to bite them right instant. Oh, well. I have poor self restraint. Of course I bitten them right away! However this was a right choice, looking at how Matt moaned loudly, pushing his hips up so they could meet mine. I started to suck one of them maliciously, while using right hand to take care of another and left to unzip his jeans.  
>"You think you.. ah! will top me?" He asked, arching his back.<br>"Well, of course." Suddenly I backed away. Only for a mere second, that is. To take his jeans away with one, precise tug. And before he could do anything I leaned down, putting both hands on Matt's hips, and finally sticking tongue out to lick head of his painfully hard erection.  
>"Fuck.." He groaned, shutting eyes. I liked that reaction.<br>"Yeah, just wait little. I guess you will like that as much as fucking." I smiled wickedly, breathing onto his member. He glared at me, squeezing hands on the edges of sofa. Beautiful. He was so beautiful.  
>"Mello.. get at it again." He demanded, sending me a certain look. I smiled again.<br>"As you wish."I licked his member, from the head to the base and again, the other way round. He squirmed, trying to get more touch.  
>"Don't tease me.." That was enough. I swirled my tongue around his tip before engulfing him at once. He cried out my name, pushing hips further. Slowly I started licking him and sucking, getting from his mouth even louder moans and groans. God, this was so fucking overwhelming. I took my hand and placed it on part of his member which couldn't fit in my mouth. I started bobbing my head up and down, licking him, pressing tongue on the parts which he should like it, rubbing especially hard on his slit.<br>"AH!" Tears shined is corners of his eyes, when I hummed around his member. Then I sucked really hard, speeding up, constantly swirling and flicking around his head. I cupped his balls what ended with Matt moaning like cheap whore. And that only increased, as I let my other hand join the movements of my mouth, bobbing up and down. Yeah, he loved that, I could tell. However, it wasn't the end.  
>He screamed in pleasure as I deepthroated him, letting his tip gently brush back of my throat. Tears fell down, marking his flushed cheeks when I swallowed around him without complainment and gagging.<br>"MIHAEL!" He tugged at my hair. I don't even know when he tangled his fingers in it. But that's not this important. I sucked harder and than he came in my awaiting mouth, pulling my head down, pushing his hips so he could be deeper in me, screaming and moaning.  
>"You like that, bitch?" I asked after swallowing everything, now wiping my mouth with back of hand. He looked at me, not even knowing where or what he was. Ahn, for me that was perfect.<br>Looking at how tight and painful my pants became there was no other this perfect moment as now. Taking advantage of it i settled between his peach-coloured tights, kissing them chaotically for a while. Then I started working on leashes, trying to get uncomfortable clothing off.  
>"Mells, wha.." He sighted, looking up at me. Then he moaned understanding what I was about to do. Shit, my chance slipped away. Fuck this. I won't force him after all.<br>And then his soft, hot fingers trailed down my stomach, touching lightly my vest.  
>"Come on.." He whispered, letting his legs fall open for I was damned. I desperately tugged onto leather, trying to slide it down from my hips. There was no time to waste since Matt was willing to hand his body over to me.<br>Did I say it was a paradise..? Yup, it was. I grasped his bottom cheeks, massaging them lightly, trailing fingertips down to his back and again onto soft ass. This brought tender noises escaping Matt's mouth, making my erection twitch painfully.  
>I leaned forward to kiss redhead once again. His taste was overwhelming just as his tongue slipping between my parted lips fighting me to get dominance. Without thinking I grinded our hips together whimpering loudly, biting onto gloved fingers.<br>"Fuck.." Matt sighted, arching his back to me. I smirked taking gloves off with a little help of my teeth.  
>"Yea, right away. Suck." Brutally I shoved my fingers into his mouth making him choke on it. However in a few seconds he fought that and started licking and gently sucking, swirling his tongue between them. Damn, he knew what he was doing. Quite pissing off, knowing I wasn't his first. It that was so there was no need to be considerate.<br>Just when he was using teeth to make me shiver in ecstasy I pulled fingers out. I hissed as a few little blood droplets appeared on them. On the other hand.. There could become useful while penetrating Matt. Wasting no more time I placed tfingers in front of his entrance pushing two at once. He gasped, whimpered. His grip over my body fastened as slow motions begun tearing apart his body.  
>"Mells!" Crying, pleading, whimpering. Almost broken. I wanted him to feel even more miserable because of me. Unfortunately I was at my limit too. That's why third finger joined two other which were already inside gamer., scissoring him more, loosening to my heart's content.<br>"Wow, you are rather stretched bitch." I grinned in amusment as his eyes widened, cheeks flushed even more. I leaned down, to whisper in his ear. "However, not this stretched to welcome me without pain."  
>"Mih.. ah no!" One dramatic tug and my erection was freed. Leather painfully cut in my tights but I couldn't brace myself anymore. Later I will surely curse my stupidity, yet now smeared my precum all over my lenght and..<br>"Mihael..!" For a second I thought he passed out but then he wrapped his legs around my waist pulling me closer. Pain deformed his facial features and yet he didn't even let me stop for him to adjust- he pushed his hips up to take me deeper.  
>"Ma-att!" I cried out cursing myself for this. But, for fuck's sake it was so damn good. I rocked between his legs, arching my back.<br>"Kiss me, Mihael.." I leaned to kiss him. But wait a second. Why was I listening to him like some kind of dog? Hell no. However it was too late. He seized my lips offering me passionate, burning kiss which I couldn't shove away. I felt him grinning right before my mouth as he licked them, nipped them, bit them.. I rocked grabbing his hips so they could meet mine in a halfway.  
>"You are such a whore, Matt.." I whispered, brushing lightly his ear with my lips. He cried out again, clinging onto me.<br>"Harder, Mells!"  
>"Cute, hilarious slut.. And you love the way I fuck you, don't you..?"<br>"Yeah, Mells, faster! Ah, faster!" I cried out really loud, hiding my crimson face in the crock of his neck. It was embarrassing. And yet at the same time too pleasing. I pushed faster, in-out, in-out, every time trying different angle and then eventually..  
>"FUCK YEAH!" His chest started falling and raising rapidly as his breath became unsteady. Mercilessly I slammed on his prostate confusing us both the way we never imagined we could be confused.<br>"Matt.. Oh, Jeevas.." My hand slipped on his member and I started pumping it with steady rhythm which matched me slamming in his hot ass.  
>I could feel his teeth meeting my collar bone and something sticky filling my hand before I could see white. There was only this incredible tightness, as he clenched around me while coming. And then I shoot in him, screaming his name many, many times until my throat become sore and dried.<br>And unexpectedly, there was silence. Nothing more.  
>..maybe a little passion and feeling, as we simultaneously whispered confessions. Well, by that be both were dumbfounded. But, hey. After something this thrilling you can be dumb for a while.<p>

X

Matt died. And it was mine fucking fault. My perfect Mail Jeevas was dead and nobody was to know what a genius and tender lover he was. Ah, God. If you are willing to listen to me, just do it now. I am confessing here, you know. I sincerely apologise for crimes I committed and sins I was unable to push away from me. Be merciful. If not for me, be for my Mail. I neither regret falling in love with him, nor taking an action last night. I am a sinner. Mail is not. He is so pure. Maybe even more than your saints ever could be.  
>This is my last will. Because I know this woman is supporter of fucking Kira. And I know that death is right beside me. I do not know how but there is this certainty she will bring me down in a second. After all I showed her my face. I know I shouldn't have done that. Oh well. Maybe I just sensed something went wrong way. Thus, I am so sorry. Matt, I never wanted you dead. I brought it to you for all you've done to me. I am a greedy bastard. Please, forgive me.<br>How I wish we could be just normal couple, really.  
>Ah, the pain. It's paralyzing.<br>I really love you Jeevas. I hope I will meet you right after this pain fades away.  
>Ah, shit. And God, I am <em>begging <em>you. Save my Mail's life, because he is my only left sanity.

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><p>Hope you enjoyed.<p>

And ah. I don't own Death Note. 


End file.
